Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Every woman鈥檚 deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man鈥檚 deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn鈥檛 even moved.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Do one person every day that scares you.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 馃檨
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I鈥檓 going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 馃馃槀
Thrilling chase underway