INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

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“No mom I DON’T HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 18.

“No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!” -lie you tell at 28.


ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out


I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.


Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.


FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*


I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.


My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.


[working at Bed Bath & Beyond]
ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for?
CUSTOMER: Shower head.
ME: Sir, please, we just met.