INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
one last job
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.