Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
just gave your address to some spiders
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries