88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
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When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.