INTERVIEWER: So what would you say is your strong suit?

TONY STARK: Is… is that a serious question?

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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂


[stargazing with my daughter]

Daughter: dada where’s Orion’s Belt?

Me: it’s probably on Orion’s Pants lol.



Daughter: this is why I have a C in science.


Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.


Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless


[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital


It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.



ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good


Wife: What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy

Wife: Would you re-marry?

Husband: Ah, not that crazy..


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.