Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising