“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”
~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
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DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Turns out if you fake your death every Monday work catches on.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.
My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.