Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
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I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.