Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
You Might Also Like
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
They must have gotten it to go.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg