Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
You Might Also Like
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat