[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.