Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?
-No, go fish.
Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?
Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…
Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?
Me: I do not
You Might Also Like
.. do you even science?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
me: no the whole bottle
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Note to younger women:
Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.
Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.