Interviewer: So your resume says you’re familiar with Excel?

Me: ah yes… Excel.. the elusive mistress.. siren of data.. functions fatale…

Interviewer: Do you know how to use Excel?

Me: I do not

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Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.


me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle


waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks


Note to younger women:

Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.

Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.


When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.


When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.


me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH


me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up


The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.