@PlopWaffle

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

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@ArfMeasures

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

@ArfMeasures

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

@rolldiggity

[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@Shawn_spree

Wife: Am I grotesque?

Me: No, angel cake!

Wife: Why did you call me a cake?

Me: Cake is round?

*runs *

@kxthleen

other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful

me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean

@Mom_Overboard

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync