@PlopWaffle

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

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@GingerHotDish

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: someone we know is possessed by an owl

friend: who?

me: [narrows eyes]

@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

@badbanana

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

@Parkerlawyer

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

@BrotiGupta

Don’t call me “honey” and expect it to soften the fact that you SHRUNK the KIDS

@shawnspree

Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space

~me reading Arabic DM

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@Gupton68

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules