Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat