Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Wife: Am I grotesque?
Me: No, angel cake!
Wife: Why did you call me a cake?
Me: Cake is round?
other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful
me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.