Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum