Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
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Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.