@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

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@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

@dksc4life

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

@brokenfuIly

i wanna look like a snack this summer but i keep eating them

@XplodingUnicorn

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

@fro_vo

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

@attheUC

If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?

I just want to be ready.

@Howiesbookclub

Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.

@TuffyNyC

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

@heyitsJudeD

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake