Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
i wanna look like a snack this summer but i keep eating them
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?
I just want to be ready.
Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me: …. just eat the cake