Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do