Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
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The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves