The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
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My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.
It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.
M: I SWEAR TO GOD!
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?
*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK