@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

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@ObscureGent

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

@scottthetwat

My ex GF turned out to be anorexic. Gradually I just saw less and less of her.

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@c12h22o11balls

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.
M: I SWEAR TO GOD!

@copymama

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@iscoff

*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

@murrman5

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK