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@megancarnahan16

My favorite college memory was accidentally skipping class on the first Monday of deer season freshman year because I legitimately thought that was a national holiday that meant no school and didn’t realize I just went to a yeehaw high school

@BunAndLeggings

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

@brittwastaken

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.

@Tmoney68

Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.

@ColesTwitt3r

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

@starringmichell

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

@anerdonfire2

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

@caperbc75

Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?

@FBSisnothere

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

@SamDeLanche

7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?

Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.