My favorite college memory was accidentally skipping class on the first Monday of deer season freshman year because I legitimately thought that was a national holiday that meant no school and didn’t realize I just went to a yeehaw high school
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.
Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Do you think the guy responsible for squirting water in NFL players’ mouths has “rehydration specialist” listed on his LinkedIn profile?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.