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@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

@TattleTSister

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

@GeorgiaSweet20

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

@o__0Dev

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@KeithAshers

Sending everyone soggy empty boxes this year with a note – Hope you enjoy this expensive ice sculpture made in your honor. #CheapChristmas

@KimmyMonte

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349262839447437312″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:134:”*Knock knock*

Who’s there?

The police! You’re wanted for first degree murder!

The police you’re wanted for first degree murder who?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@3sunzzz

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?