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@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@ceejoyner

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

@BadMikeyBad

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

@JohnHilsen

The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@faizziy

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

@joeljeffrey

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

@WheelTod

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

@FattMernandez

I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

@treydayway

Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.