@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

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@GingerGander

If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.

@einaregilsson

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

@Poutymcgee

Doe. A deer. A female deer.

Ray. My sex offender neighbooouur.

@_SingleBabyMama

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

@ibid78

[right after my lie detector test]
-Make sure that machine shows I’ve had plenty of the sex
“Sir that’s not what it does-
-I SAID MAKE SURE

@idkzac_

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

@kieransofar

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

@CornOnTheGoblin

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku