INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.