interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

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Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally


“Dad, where’s my king size Milk Chocolate Hershey Bar I got from trick or treating?”

(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)


The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.


Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.


Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce


I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.


“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….


I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.

Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.