interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.