Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
You Might Also Like
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Dad, where’s my king size Milk Chocolate Hershey Bar I got from trick or treating?”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.
Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*