ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.