@ClichedOut

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

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@truegritrumble

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

@robfee

I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.

@steeve_again

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

@KentWGraham

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

@XAIMMadellynne

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

@JillBidenVeep

Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”

@saltymamas

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

@noog

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

@BorowitzReport

Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”

@MomofTeen

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.