INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
You Might Also Like
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”