@clichedout

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

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@Spaziotwat

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@NikiWithIssues

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

@jonnysun

dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color

@mortimermaiden

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

@LlamaInaTux

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

@Elizasoul80

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”