“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
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Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
Two more bullets.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt
Teller: And the money?
Bank Robber: No thanks