Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
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Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”