@clichedout

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

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@SoVeryBritish

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

@_mindflakes

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@Jay16282

The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

@jimmytorosian

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

@AbbieEvansXO

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

@eminmien

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

@brynnester

Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks