INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Nothing.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this