INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
You Might Also Like
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt