INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Carpe DM
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.