Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Said the murderer.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.