interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
i would wish you the best but i am the best
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Meow
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.