@ClichedOut

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

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@grimpossible

“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”

@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”

@thatUPSdude

Her: You didn’t come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn’t see you
Me: Like I said “ninja”

@scottdedalus

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

@jake_lach

When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.

@clichedout

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.