interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

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“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”


Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”


Her: You didn’t come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn’t see you
Me: Like I said “ninja”


Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?


When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.


nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there


nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet


My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.