interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
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ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.