@jordan_stratton

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

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@TheRealNickKay

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

@GretchenVB

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

@littlekitnerboy

I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

@TechnicallyRon

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

@Underchilde

One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@Manali_Shetye5

If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.

@KateWhineHall

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

@SocialOutcast82

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.