Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me in tagged photos
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I am, perchance
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant