Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me


*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*



I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?


[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.


“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”


One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.


[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.


Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.


I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.