Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.


My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.

“It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”


A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”


Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…


A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.


I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.


Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.


[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”