Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
🍛
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What