INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

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You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder


If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.


Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.



5: The good ones do.


Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.


Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.


Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.


Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?



*buys soap on a rope

Cashier: Paper or plastic?

Me: Neither.. I’ll wear it out thanks


Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.