INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
This guy’s not having it 😆
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.