The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Imma just leave this here…………
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.