Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”


Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.


Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.


Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /


He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”


You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.


If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple


[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*


I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works