@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

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@seethenare

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

@fro_vo

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@Darlainky

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

@daemonic3

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

@OllyiConic

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

@P_o_n_k

Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.