@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

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@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

@JazzJazzybc

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.

@ellieholcomb

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

@JediGigi

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

@RickAaron

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

@CrockettForReal

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

@Tommytoughstuff

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

@XplodingUnicorn

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works