[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
You Might Also Like
[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!
Him: Not you again. Get outta here!
Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine
FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?