Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.


tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.



What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!


ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch


doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you


Bitten by a radioactive Batman, Batmanman has all the powers and abilities of a Batman.