@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

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@ChicksRule

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

@MartaEffing

[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*

@secondofhername

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@MatCro

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

@tangledteatime

Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!

[LATER]

Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@fro_vo

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

@aveuaskew

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?