Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.