Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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Pandas 🐼🖤
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Saturday
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
the short answer to this question
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*