Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?