Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
You Might Also Like
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.