Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
live long and prosper!
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late