INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking