interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.