Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.