@fishbowel

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

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@DaddyGrownup

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

@dumbbeezie

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

@Rschooley

How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

@3sunzzz

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@Home_Halfway

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours