No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
¯_(ツ)_/¯
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble