Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(