Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
this was the best i’ve ever seen
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Good point.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?