@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

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@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

@MariyaAlexander

My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

@anerdonfire2

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

@Mr_Kapowski

Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.