INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

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I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.


My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill


Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*


Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.


There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.


I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.


Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.