INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
any last words?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
2022 will be better than 2021