The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.