@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

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@pajamawitch

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

@turbomanatee

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

@nedroid

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

@copymama

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

@amphy1981

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

@tastefactory

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

@iamrandomape

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

@TheAlexNevil

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@

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@Shadrach451

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.