When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”
Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*
Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[looking at pics]
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”