5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
🤣😂
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”