Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Birds & Planes.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat