INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
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For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag