[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
She said she liked it doggystyle, so I sniffed her butt then peed on the carpet
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[therapist] what seems to be the problem?
[her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It’s awful
[me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money