INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
What’s a Messi?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good