Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
waiting for halloween be like:
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
eggs benadryl
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*